Mrs Blanche Spittock: 1899-2013 Campaigner for Quality Writing in 'The Waltons.'

By Mark Pierro


Blanche Spittock and Dead Brother
20 minutes before his Death
Mrs Blanche Spittock of 75 Clacton Street, Weston-Super-Mare, UK.

Born in 1899 to Cyril Spittock and Mavis Allerdice of West Riding in East Berkshire. Blanche Spittock was noted for her various tastes in Artisan bread making she was nevertheless ill-suited to the role of Master Baker as she kept confusing her bread making equipment for her underwear.

This was all very well until she attended the Clacton Street 2001 Mid-summer ball wearing her most elegant of ball-gowns and seventeen Hovis tins smothered in butter. Most of the attendees were OK with this but the heat of the mid-summer eve combined with the melting butter, resulted in her attracting a swarm of killer hornets that had escaped from the Home of Cyril Crapshaw of 48 Watlington Street. 


The resulting massacre came to be known locally as 'Blanchegate' while everybody else in the world continues with their lives having never heard of it as the whole affair was covered up by the attacks on the twin towers. Not the twin towers in New York but the ones in Barnsley. This in turn was covered up but the attacks on the twin towers in New York and this was also the subject of an attempted cover up (albeit unsuccessfully) by an attack on Heston Blumenthal by an inbound boeing 747 from Cape Cod. 


The fact that Mrs Spittock has Charlton Heston's name on her left buttock was in itself quite charming but the other fact pertaining to her weight of nearly three tons is another. Their wedding was an unceremonious affair, conducted over skype as she was unable to leave the house after the builders had reinforced the first floor by filling the ground floor completely with a ferrous concrete alloy based adhesive created by Blag Hnfot of the planet Tripe and brought to Area 51 by his cousin Blat Hnfot of 74 Craddock Street, Fnnnnlit Beeeeen, United Fiiiindom, Planet Tripe. 

Consequently, she had been barricaded in the first floor of her house since 2002 and Charlton or 'Chuck' and her good self had never actually met. Blanche consoled herself by noting that worse things happened at sea.

In 1978 Spittock was appalled at the demise in quality of that great American institution 'The Waltons.' The deterioration was spotted by Spittock in the episode where the exhumation of Abraham Lincoln was linked to John-Boy turning into a zombie. A vociferous advocate of quality writing in US depictions of historical characters she organised a march on Washington DC to protest. Regrettably her journey to D.C. was unusual in that she found herself entering a gap in the Waste-Time continuum and she actually arrived on the same afternoon as Dr Martin Luther King's march on Washington in 1963. To her dying days Spittock refused to accept that everybody was there for reasons other than her protest at poor historical writing and claimed the day was a great success.

She was the first woman in the United Kingdom to dress up as a super hero to attract members of the opposite sex and indeed submitted several designs of superhero costume to Calvin Klein who lived not two minutes walk from her Great Uncle Dixon Spittock or 34 Edgehill Street, Madrid, Spain. Regrettably Klein at that moment in his life had been undergoing a hard time what with his wife leaving him for a nest of escaped killer hornets on the run from Interpol for an alledged massacre that took place in 2001 days before Blumen Hestonthal was hit by a boeing 747 on an inbound flight from Cape Cod. 

Spittock eventually died of internal futility after a long depression. She is survived by her cats, four carrier pigeons, a bottle of Exlax colonic irrigation powder, a cuddly toy, a liquidiser, a his and hers dressing gown ensemble, secret bank account, a nice hotel in Rio and some children. 

Blanche Spittock, Campaigner, born 21 Ocotber 1899, died 10 October 2013